Kuschelregeln

Cuddling, the act of getting physically close to someone to express affection, is one of my favorite things ever. Whether with lovers, friends, dancers; romantic or platonic in nature, cuddling makes me feel safe and cared for.

Recently, I’ve had several people tell me that I’m an awesome cuddler. Not really sure where I picked up those skills. I think it’s something I’ve always had a knack for, but I’ve also practiced it a lot. Relaxing into someone, knowing just where to rest my head, just where to put my arm, these are all things that come pretty easily to me. I’ve never taken a class or a training on it, though I know those exist, which is pretty cool. Because it was so instinctual for me to pick up cuddling, it always surprises me when people ask me to teach them or someone they know how to cuddle better.

So far, the best way I’ve found to teach someone to cuddle is just to cuddle with them and show them what to do. I can’t really do that for everyone in the world though, so here are a few guidelines (by no means complete) for better cuddling that I hope will help make you all happier and more comfortable cuddlers. Because the world always needs more cuddling in it.

First, some basic rules.

1. Only cuddle consensually — Neither you, nor any other person out there are required to cuddle with anyone else at any time. Cuddling can be awesome, but if you aren’t feeling it for any reason, your back hurts, the other person/people are creepy, or you just plain don’t feel like it, you are not required to cuddle. Conversely, it is never okay to pressure, coerce or force someone else to cuddle. (I mean, unless you know them really well, they’ve directly asked you for it, and you have a safe word or something arranged)

2. Ask permission — This one isn’t strictly necessary if you already have a high level of familiarity with the people you want to cuddle with, though even then, sometimes it’s nice to do. But especially in situations where you don’t know well the person/people involved, asking permission to join in the cuddling is a good idea. It makes them more comfortable, which will allow the cuddle to be better, and it gets the consent needed for number one.

3. Be gentle — When interacting with a cuddle: joining, leaving, moving around, etc. try to be gentle and aware of the physical safety and comfort of other person/people involved. Last thing you want to do is explain to hospital nurses that your cuddle buddy got injured in a vigorous cuddle shift.

4. No tickling — This isn’t really a universal rule, but those of us who are extremely ticklish will say that tickling in a cuddle frequently ruins the relaxed and trusting mood that cuddling should create. Of course, if you’re into more high spirited cuddling, maybe tickling is your thing 🙂

5. Watch the junk in your pants — We all keep lots of junk in the pockets of our pants. Wallets, phones, keys, these are all things that are not comfortable to lie on in a cuddle. So either take them out, or make sure you are arranging your cuddle partners so they will not have to lie on all that stuff.

Now for some more specific techniques, advice, etc to help make your cuddling more cuddly 🙂

1. Relax! — Even if you do nothing else, just being able to get your muscles to relax automatically makes you more cuddly. It makes you all soft and squishable and bendy and movable and much more like a big teddy bear. Which are awesome to cuddle with 🙂 (Yes, I still own and sometimes cuddle a stuffed bear, his name is Ian)

2. Use pillows — Or something similar, a rolled up sweatshirt, a backpack, someone else’s stomach, etc. Using pillows to prop things up, especially heads, can help avoid so many issues. A pillow under your head allows your neck to be more comfortable, as well as avoiding squishing the arm that might be resting under your neck. A rolled up sweatshirt can offer fantastic lumbar support while lying down, if you have a weak back. And resting your head on someone’s stomach or chest (as long as it is soft and comfortable) can be very comforting for them and lets you feel their breathing, which can be soothing.

3. Use your hands — Did you ever have a parent stroke your back, or your hair to comfort you as a kid? Gentle, platonic touch; running your finger tips over someone’s arm, scratching their head, rubbing their back, these are all tools at your disposal to help make your cuddle buddies feel more comfortable and relaxed. And the more relaxed they are, the softer they are and the nicer they are to cuddle 🙂 Of course, as with any of this, respect your partners boundaries and comfort level. And when in doubt, ask.

4. Cuddle hugs — Hugs are a way that we express affection for another person. So hugging in a cuddle might seem a little redundant, right? While it’s not something you necessarily want to be doing all the time, the occasional hug or squeeze can convey extra affection. Sometimes because your cuddle partner said something cute and hug worthy, sometimes they may have an emotional moment (especially in the case of comforting cuddles) and need the extra support, sometimes you may just feel like giving them an extra squeeze. Don’t over use them, but hugs within a cuddle can be pretty awesome.

5. Take cues from your partner — Not sure what to do with that free hand? Not sure if you should gently pat their back or rest it on their stomach? Ask yourself, what is your partner doing. If they are running their fingertips over your arm, they are probably okay with you doing the same. If they offer you a back rub, when they are done, offer to reciprocate. Humans tend to default to doing the things we want done to us. So it’s usually a good bet that if they are stroking your fingers, you can do the same thing back. Of course, if you’re unsure, you can always ask.

6. Match their breathing — This is a slightly more advanced cuddling technique. If your partners rate of respiration is fairly close to yours, you can time your breathing to match the rise and fall of their breath. It can create an extra feeling of connectedness and synergy between you. Again, this can be tricky and is not a technique for the novice cuddler to attempt. You may risk passing out if their breath rate is too different from your natural rhythm. So practice at your own risk 🙂

A few cuddling positions. Kind of like the Kama Sutra but you know, platonic and cuddly.

1. Spooning — Probably my favorite of all cuddle positions. Invision two spoons, facing the same direction, nesting into each other. That’s what you do with your partner, you guys are the spoons. It can be a really intimate position, because there is usually a lot of body contact but if the big spoon (the one with their front to their partner) puts their arm under the little spoon’s (the one with their back to their partner) neck, and the little spoon has their head on a pillow, it can be relaxed and effortless. This one also extrapolates well for group cuddling. You can nest as many spoons as you like 🙂

2. Stomach/Chest pillow — For this position, one partner lies on their back while the other person uses their stomach or chest, sometimes shoulder, as a pillow. This can be really casual and silly, if you get a train of people all lying on each others stomachs and one person starts laughing, everyone else is sure to follow. It can also be more intimate. A head on a chest, an arm wrapped around, whispering sweet nothings to each other…

3. Facing — This position generally has two settings. Little body contact, or all the body contact. All the body contact is reminiscent of a really close hug lying down and lasting forever, and as long as you’re comfortable with your cuddle partner, can be amazing. Otherwise, there’s usually some distance between parters and again, one person has their arm under the others neck. The remaining three arms float somewhere between the two people gesturing, touching, tickling (if you’re into that) etc. Make sure to avoid the pitfall of allowing those arms to become awkward. There are a lot of them there, but as long as you stay relaxed about how and when you move them, you should be fine.

And above all, communicate! — As in pretty much any kind of personal interaction, communication is key. If you want cuddling and aren’t getting it, speak up; if you don’t want cuddling from someone, speak up; if you’re neck is in an uncomfortable position, speak up; if you’re arm is falling asleep, speak up. It’s never good to sit there and suffer in silence, so if something is wrong, lacking, uncomfortable, etc. don’t be afraid to say so.

Now go forth and cuddle!